Anyone involved in hiring knows that there are some candidates who just don't seem to get it. There are the applicants who "fluff" their resumes to the point of fantasy. There are the candidates who ask totally inappropriate questions, or give positively unimaginable answers, during an interview. And there are the ones who submit resumes that are so outlandish that you have to bite your hand to refrain from sending a copy to every person in the office.
But now, thanks to Robert Half International's website, Resumania.com, you don't have to share the candidate's resume with the office. Everyone can get a laugh that's not on the expense of the potential co-worker.
On the site, the global recruiting agency shares some of the best worst lines from resumes, accompanied by a little cartoon businessman who provides witty commentary. Here are just a few from the site:
Resume Section: SKILLS
Applicant's Statement: Committed to meeting deadline
Commentary: Just one?
Resume Section: HOBBIES
Applicant's Statement: Sit on my computer for hours
Commentary: That must be uncomfortable
Resume Section: SKILLS
Applicant's Statement: Eager to learn innate abilities
Commentary: That might be difficult
Resume Section: COVER LETTER
Applicant's Statement: I would appreciate the opportunity to review my qualifications
Commentary: Go right ahead
Resume Section: OBJECTIVE
Applicant's Statement: To obtain a position that will allow me to utilize my strengths and reinforce my weaknesses
Workplace wellness benefits are almost as common as retirement-plan benefits or life-insurance benefits. I have a suggestion that I'd like to make regarding a potential addition to the wellness package offered by employers. But before I make the suggestion, let me explain the circumstances that led to the idea.
I've spent three days proctoring the state bar exam, watching as a class of hopeful attorneys-to-be stagger down the halls. Some have the blank stare frequently associated with zombies risen from the grave. Others are in a cold sweat, hands trembling, tugging the jacket sleeve of another proctor in a panic because she doesn't know to what room she's been assigned. The scene is one of quiet hysteria.
For those of you lucky enough to not know much about the bar examination process, either personally or vicariously through a loved one's experience, let me set the stage. Law students finish their third year of law school and, within days of graduation (if not sooner), begin what is known as the "bar review." For two months, they make the daily trek into the nearest city to watch videos and receive lectures about a predetermined list of topics. They may have studied these topics in their first, second, or third year of school--or not at all.
When the day's lecture is over, the entire class marches en masse back out to the parking lot and return home--where they are encouraged to study for several more hours. In the morning, everyone discusses how many practice questions they did the night before, how terrible they scored, and how certain they are that failure is inevitable.
The two-month ordeal is rooted in terror. Three years of school while your college friends went on to the "real world" where they worked "real jobs" and earned very real paychecks, while you incurred three more years of very real school-loan debt. Then, suddenly, the moment that everyone has avoided for three years arrives--the bar exam.
Should you somehow fail, which you are convinced you will certainly do, how will you earn a living? How could you face your friends and family, nevertheless your new colleagues who expect that, surely, you will pass. For those with enough determination to attempt a state bar exam like California, Delaware, or New York, where the pass rate usually grazes 50% of takers, these fears are at least statistically supportable.
By the time this week finally arrives, the exam takers look, well, strung out. They have the eyes of a crazy person and the wavering voice signaling instability. They are just short of crossing over the line into unrecognizable despair but still clawing desperately to maintain clarity of thought long enough to write the dreaded essays. In all, it's more than a little creepy.
Some of the same creepiness pops up in the post-bar "real world." Occasionally, you'll catch a glimmer of the creepiness in the eye of a colleague or adversary who, undoubtedly, has been working on a case for more consecutive days than he can recall. He's been sleeping in 2-hour blocks on the couch in a partner's office. But he continues to push onward, likely driven by a deeply rooted sense of terror similar to the emotions he felt during the bar exam.
If you've ever seen the look, you know exactly what I mean.
Now, let me try to connect this to my wellness suggestion. I propose that businesses offer their employees . . . [drum roll, please]. . . a nap. That's right, a nap. Looking out at the sea of students-turned-zombies as they burn through massive amounts of Number 2 pencils, I can say with confidence that there are just times when a nap would be more appreciated than a coupon redeemable for cholesterol screening or a rebate on an annual gym membership.
The cost is, well, nothing. I suppose if you wanted to put a little glamour into it, you could build a "nap room" with a simple mattress, a few fluffy pillows and no windows or clocks. Otherwise, those with offices could simply shut their door, put their head on their desks and zonk out without worry. For anyone who recruits students before, during, or after the bar examination, you should give this a try. Mention the nap idea and see what kind of changes you see in the candidate's expression. I bet the creepiness disappears almost immediately.
For those employers who may need a bit more convincing, here's a video about the serious consequences faced by employees who aren't permitted to nap safely at work:
The woes of the workplace. Gossiping coworkers. Working next to the loudest talker in the office. The smells of popcorn wafting through the office mid-afternoon the sicken everyone but the popcorn-popper himself. And don't forget fridge raiders--the worst of the worst office etiquette violations lurking around the kitchen waiting to pounce on the first brown bag she can find. It's hell out there.
Maybe the worst part of the many slights we must endure from day to day, really, is the inability to fix it. Many workers do not feel comfortable with the idea of confronting a coworker who, for example, has less-than-pleasant breath or who seems to have a never-ending parade of noisy "visitors" from other departments stopping in to "say hi."
Web Worker Daily points out that NiceCritic.com is here to help. The free internet service touts itself as "the anonymous way to send a helpful message." These "helpful messages" include, for example:
It looks like it could be time for a haircut.
A breath mint may be beneficial today.
You seem to have over-applied your makeup today.
You just pick a category, then a specific thought, and NiceCritic.com will send the helpful message to your coworker anonymously.
Maybe this should be called, "Passive Aggressive Anonymous." It's a sad reflection on the state of the workplace and modern-day social skills (or lack thereof) when we have to resort to sending anonymous online messages. Where are the days that open hostility would have been the obvious resort? Ah, the modern workplace--a battlefield, indeed.
Corporate America, listen closely! Can you hear that sound? It's the whoosh, thump, whoosh, thump, whoosh. It's the pounding of feet on the two-ply treadbelt as it comes speeding around again and again. Wait! What's it doing here, in Corporate America? Your employer is going to make you healthy, darn it--like it or not!
And do these wellness programs actually work? Some say yes, without a doubt. Others say that wellness programs are running out of steam as more and more workers abandon their diet and exercise programs. So, what is an employer who cares about its employees do to help them to learn to value a healthy, active lifestyle?
We posted about these walk-your-workday-away-machines back in March, at which time they were still more fantasy than reality. But the collaborative news hounds of everything work-from-home related at Web Worker Daily, have an update. They report that Steelcase, the well-known manufacturer of office furniture, filing cabinets, and the like, has officially introduced the Walkstation to cubicle workers across the country. From Web Worker:
Based on the idea that you can burn enough calories to make a difference, even if you don’t work up a sweat, the Walkstation marries an adjustable-height desk and monitor arm with a low-speed treadmill
There are plenty of other bells and whistles here, including a magnetic sensor that automatically stops the treadmill should you be carried away from your desk, and an optional convertible model that lets you switch from office chair to treadmill at the touch of a button. The drawback? Cost, mainly: buying one of these will set you back $4300.
If it's of any comfort, I am fairly competent that most employers won't be jumping at the idea of this size investment--especially after the first time the news reports that an employee was whisked right off of the Workstation, sustaining serious injuries and filing suit against her employer.
Lawyers are infamous for being too wordy. If you ever hear a lawyer say, "Just one more point," this is attorney-speak for, "Just 20 more points." And I'm not pointing fingers, I'm a guilty party, too. But there are limits. And, according to the Wall Street Journal's Law Blog, federal Judge Ronald Leighton felt that the limit had been reached when he received a 465-page complaint in a racketeering lawsuit.
You may ask, just how does a document become so voluminous. Well, for starters, the title of the document is eight pages long. That is followed by eighteen pages in which the plaintiff identified six defendants. Apparently unimpressed with what the judge described as an "odyssey," he ordered the plaintiff to re-file, relying on the procedural rule (Rule 8(a)), that a complaint should contain "a short and plain statement of the claim showing that the pleader is entitled to relief."
What's more is the way the judge responded. Writing that brevity, in addition to being the soul of wit, is the soul of a pleading. He even gives a fine example of brevity and wit. From the court's four-page order comes the following limerick:
Plaintiff has a great deal to say, But it seems he skipped Rule 8(a). His Complaint is too long, Which renders it wrong, Please rewrite and refile today.
Everything sounds better if it rhymes. Have a great Friday and an even better weekend!
As employment lawyers, we often counsel managers on how to resolve interpersonal conflicts in the workplace. It is hard to imagine a workplace where disputes don't arise amongst coworkers at least occasionally. Sometimes these conflicts can boil over and end up in heated arguments in the office.
When employees get emotional, management should step in to prevent the situation from getting further out of hand. Most of us have experienced a dispute with a colleague that made us so mad we could almost scream!
And some of us may have been in a situation where they could almost knock the block off of a coworker.
Of course, we counsel against workplace Jerks and Bullies.
But there may be a workplace where this coffee cup could be helpful. Well, maybe just in our imaginations.
"While corporate honchos might not walk around with big metal chains and sharpened shanks as their weapon of choice, they certainly find ways to hold their own in the inter-office rumbles. This Punch mug not only delivers the kick of caffeine you so desperately need, but also provides an excellent alternative to brass knuckles for any snotty PR employees."
"Sure, it might look like just another fragile ceramic drinking apparatus, but the specially designed handle provides a truly epic amount of grip and force behind your best left hook. The Punch is designed in both white and silver colors.
We have to say, the silver version just looks more hardcore. You should only have to use the Punch Mug once before every other bad mouthing white-collar gets the hint. You are not a coffee drinker to be messed with."
Employees in corporate America know exactly what I'm talking about. The increasingly Orwellian nature of corporate lingo. Workplaces across the country have been infiltrated by this pervasive dialect.
If you've grown tired of the self-imposed language of workers across the country, then the BBC is here to help. The BBC has compiled a "50 office-speak phrases you love to hate" list that includes such linguistic gems as "conversate" and "granularity."
Sadly, my own personal favorite does not appear on the list. I learned from a friend who worked as a store manager for a national retailer that his company does not have "problems" or "challenges" anymore. Instead, everything is an "opportunity." After learning this, naturally, when I got pulled over for speeding on my way to work, I informed my wife that "I had an opportunity on my way to work this morning." I don't think she saw it that way.
[Editor's Note: Our friend and blogger extraordinaire, John Phillips, at The Word on Employment Law, posts the definitions from the Dictionary of Corporate Bull**!@. I happen to have the Dictionary as a daily desk calendar and I can personally attest that the definitions give us a daily laugh. As a sampler, and not to spoil any of John's fun, but today's definition is "nastygram: an e-mail that is punitive in tone; a petty and irritating bitch-slap, sent with the ulterior motive of defending the author's ridiculously small territory and authority and venting otherwise unexpressed frustration and anger; frequently sent by middle managers who must daily fight off the reality of their own insignificance; a common tool of the micromanager." md.]
Good leaders are difficult to come by. Good leadership in government, some might say, is even more difficult to find. I'd guess that some of the citizens of the Illinois town of Cahokia might just feel that way right about now.
Cahokia Mayor, Frank Bergman, filed a workers' compensation claim after taking a fall down the stairs while fulfilling his duties as a civil servant. This claim has resulted in payment to Mayor Bergman for more than $20,000.
And what's wrong with that, you ask? Certainly, there is nothing un-leader-like about utilizing a government service for its intended purpose.
But, the trouble here is, Mayor Bergman appears to be an unusually clumsy government official. This was his fourth workers' comp claim since he began working for the small town. In all, the Mayor has collected no less than $145,000 in workers' comp payouts since he came to work for local government in 1986. The Mayor's annual salary is $40,000.
Well, maybe the Mayor can try to avoid walking under ladders and crossing paths with black cats in the future. Surely, bad luck must be to blame for his ongoing series of unfortunate accidents.
Ask any self-respecting Human Resources professional and they'll agree--rewards are a necessary part of satisfying work. In fact, many believe that laughter is an important component of good health. This becomes especially important on Fridays, when most American workers start the 5:00 countdown.
Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
Messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
Voice Mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there - it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: “Ignore my last message. I took care of it”. If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Looking Impatient and Annoyed.
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
Appear to Work Late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc…) and during public holidays.
Creative Sighing for Effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
Stacking Strategy.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
Build Vocabulary.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON’T forward any of this to your boss by mistake!!!
Office etiquette can define corporate culture. Employers should be aware of etiquette violations. Some, like office gossip, require swift and serious action. Others, like personal grooming (or lack thereof), can require a more delicate reaction by management. A recent study shows that one of the most serious violations is the use of four-letter words at work. Bad timing, it seems, for New York City anchorwoman, Sue Simmons.
New York anchor Sue Simmons made a major faux pas on live television last week. Simmons threw out the F-bomb during what she thought was an off-air moment. But, unfortunately for Simmons, the show was very much live. Oops.
Interestingly, viewers have been very supportive, citing her long history as an anchorwoman with NBC. And what about NBC? Apparently, her employer has been equally supportive.
What makes this even more interesting is the recent study by TheLadders.com, which showed that 36% of bosses have issued a formal warning for swearing. 6% have actually fired an employee for use of foul language. The survey of more than two thousand executives earning $100k+ also found that 81.2% of senior executives find cursing to be unacceptable in the workplace.
Lucky for Sue Simmons, it seems that NBC's top executives aren't included in that 81.2%. Philadelphia news anchor, Alycia Lane, wasn't so lucky. The CBS anchorwoman was fired when she was criminally charged after allegedly assaulting a New York police officer and calling the female officer a very unlady-like four-letter word. For more on that story, see my prior post, "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatch' Gonna' Do When They Work for You?"
For those of you who just have to see it to believe it, a clip of the news program can be seen below. But remember to turn your volume down if you play the video at work--your boss may very well be included in that 81.2%
Engaged employee. Engaged workforce. Management and leadership gurus love these words. Employers don't care what you call it--they just want to achieve it. If you're discouraged about your attempts to motivate employees, here's a story to lift your spirits. Hopefully, you have had more success than this young woman's managers.
Employers at the top of the game know the value of a workforce full of engaged employees.--employees who take ownership of their work. Well, if there ever was a story to demonstrate what an engaged employee is not, this is it.
An Iowa Administrative Judge denied unemployment benefits to Emmalee Bauer, 25. Bauer was formerly employed by Sheraton as a sales coordinator. Apparently, she did not do much coordinating, though. Instead, she spent her time at work scribing heart-felt journal entries she hopes may someday be published. But this is not the journal you might picture.
Her journal was devoted entirely to her work-avoidance strategies.
That's right. Every day, throughout her shift, she journaled away. And, by the time the Sheraton gig was over, she'd created a 300-page, single-spaced Manifesto of a Slacker.
I'm only here for the money, and, lately, for the printer access. I haven't really accomplished anything in a long while . . . and I am still getting paid more than at any job I ever had before.
I am going to sit right here and play Elf Bowling or some other nonsense. Once lunch is over, I will come right back to writing to piddle away the rest of the afternoon.
The judge who denied Bauer's unemployment appeal, said that the journal demonstrated Bauer's refusal to work as well as her "amusement of getting away with it."
If there was ever a case where an employer should be able to sue an employee to recoup the money it lost by employing her, this sure seems to be the one. Can you say "refund"?
Far be it from me to tell you how to use this, um, "thorough resource." Maybe you envision posting it on your intranet as comic relief. (After all, laughter can improve the workplace).
Or, maybe you want to know the tricks of the trade (the faker trade, that is), so you can spot the fakers when you see them.
Or, for all I know, you may want to take these tips for a test run and use them the next time you need a mental health day.
Who am I to judge?
Regardless of how this "guide" is utilized, it does cover just about everything one needs to know in executing an escapism plan. For example, there is a list of alternative "calling methods." Including, calling your boss early in the morning so your voice is rough, thus giving you additional credibility.
There are also various "things to do and say" while on the phone, such as "make your vomit sound real," and how to give yourself a case of the temporary sniffles by, basically, self-induced water torture.
And, for those of who make it in to work only to decide that the Macy's sale really would be a better use of your time, there are ways to "fake sick at work," thereby enabling you to make a clean escape.
Once you make that escape or that early morning phone call, the article cautions that you should heed certain warnings so as not to foil the plan. A personal favorite from the warnings list:
It's important that your boss thinks you are sick in your bed. Blaring music or a loud TV can destroy that image, as can thousands of screaming fans at a footbal game. If you're out of the house, you might want to call from your car. But be sure the engine and air condititioner are turned off.
The article ends with some sage words of advice:
"All in all, the best thing to do is never pretend to be ill, not only is it dishonest and deceitful, if you are found out you could face disciplinary action and, even worse, you can lose your job."
Based on the idea that you can burn enough calories to make a difference, even if you don’t work up a sweat, the Walkstation marries an adjustable-height desk and monitor arm with a low-speed treadmill.jpg)
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