For the Chronically Absent: Step-by-Step Guide on How to Call in Sick When You’re Not

sick-day-handbook.jpgPosted on wikiHow.com is a comprehensive guide for calling out off work without raising suspicions. wikiHow.com is a reader-authored and -edited website that offers tutorials and instructions for just every topic imaginable. The article is titled, “How to Call in sick When You Just Need a Day Off.”

Far be it from me to tell you how to use this, um, “thorough resource.” Maybe you envision posting it on your intranet as comic relief. (After all, laughter can improve the workplace).

Or, maybe you want to know the tricks of the trade (the faker trade, that is), so you can spot the fakers when you see them.

Or, for all I know, you may want to take these tips for a test run and use them the next time you need a mental health day.

Who am I to judge?

Regardless of how this “guide” is utilized, it does cover just about everything one needs to know in executing an escapism plan. For example, there is a list of alternative “calling methods.” Including, calling your boss early in the morning so your voice is rough, thus giving you additional credibility.

There are also various “things to do and say” while on the phone, such as “make your vomit sound real,” and how to give yourself a case of the temporary sniffles by, basically, self-induced water torture.

And, for those of who make it in to work only to decide that the Macy’s sale really would be a better use of your time, there are ways to “fake sick at work,” thereby enabling you to make a clean escape.

Once you make that escape or that early morning phone call, the article cautions that you should heed certain warnings so as not to foil the plan. A personal favorite from the warnings list:

It’s important that your boss thinks you are sick in your bed. Blaring music or a loud TV can destroy that image, as can thousands of screaming fans at a footbal game. If you’re out of the house, you might want to call from your car. But be sure the engine and air condititioner are turned off.

The article ends with some sage words of advice:

“All in all, the best thing to do is never pretend to be ill, not only is it dishonest and deceitful, if you are found out you could face disciplinary action and, even worse, you can lose your job.”

Indeed.

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